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Braswell Articles
A Few Good Black Men
Are you a
Hero or a Superhero?
What Should You Leave Behind in ‘09?
Is the Little Girl in You Still Missing Daddy’s
Love? |
A Few Good Black Men
Op-ED (First Published by the Times Union on January 21, 2010 - This
version is in its entirety)
By Kenneth Braswell, David Miller and Phillip Jackson
On September 25, 2009 the lifeless body of Derrion Albert, a 16 year
old student was found on a Chicago Street corner. A vicious beating,
which comprised punches, kicks, and being struck with 2 by 4’s, left
an indelible mark on each of our psyches. The recent death of young
Albert reminded many of the 1954 Emmit Till murder in Money,
Mississippi. The only difference was that Till’s assailants were White
and the suspects in Albert’s case are Black. In another incident, Vada
Vasquez was shot in the head on a busy Bronx street while walking home
from school. Vada was shot by several members of the Gorilla Street
Bloods.
Both deaths, and the countless deaths of other nameless and faceless
black and brown boys who were killed in 2009, illustrate the need for
decisive action. According to America's Promise Alliance, in the past
academic year, 36 students have been killed in the Chicago area alone.
These incidents expose the nihilism, benign neglect, and acts of
cowardice masquerading as bravado, that permeate many communities.
On January 6th, President Barack Obama issued his 2010 National
Mentoring Month Proclamation. In President Obama’s proclamation, he
outlined the growing need for trusted adults to step up and mentor
children. President Obama’s leadership on mentoring sends a clear
message to us all that the time is now. While we are excited and happy
that President Obama has stepped up and made a call to address a
critical void in our community, it is up to us to sign up and get
connected to the thousands who have heeded similar calls over the
years.
“Today we have an urgent call to find ways to provide support and
services for men who are struggling in this economic tsunami for black
and brown men. At the same time we must encourage an extra push of
responsible men who can assist in providing stable environments for
boys and girls outside of their immediate family paradigm,” says
Kenneth Braswell, Executive Director of Fathers Incorporated in
Albany, New York. We need mentors (particularly of color) - sober,
responsible, and spiritually guided men and women who are willing to
invest in their communities and our children. If we are seriously
interested in alleviating much of the drama and trauma that is
destroying the lives of youth and adults, we must recognize that
mentoring is a cost effective and realistic method of doing so. To
this end, we need more grass-roots resources, greater leadership for
the eradication of the impact of fatherlessness, and increased demands
for better educational attainment.
The Issue
For decades, social commentators, activists, and researchers have
attempted to explain the downward spiral of America’s Black Men.
Sometimes the explanations have been simple; other times complex. For
instance, in the 1980’s, there was a movement to classify Black Men as
an endangered species. Although educated minds found it difficult to
wrap their brains around the idea, few could dismiss the reality that
statistics presented a fatal and tragic outlook for the future of
Black Men.
Statistics paint a gloomy picture of the impact of fatherlessness
throughout communities of color. Senator Patrick Moynihan (who many
thought was way out of line at the time) warned the nation that the
most pressing issue it would face in the future would be that of the
deterioration of the Black Family. Many ignored the prediction then,
and still continue to do so. It is a fact that an estimated 24 Million
children wake up each morning without their biological father in their
homes. Some have limited access to their fathers. Others are within
new blended families. Others still, in large and increasing numbers,
have absolutely no access to their fathers or positive male role
models. Those statistics leave a legion of single mothers serving in
the additional role of fathers; a role that they are not inherently
equipped or intended to do.
Today, it is reported that boys receive up to 70% of the D’s and F’s
given to all students, and create 90% of all classroom discipline
problems. According to the Schott Foundation Report, Given Half a
Chance, some alarming educational trends involve young Black male
students. The 2005/2006 national graduation rate for Black male
students was 47%. That means that most Black male students did not
graduate with their cohort. These startling school related statistics,
coupled with the growing number of children growing up without
fathers, are creating a permanent underclass. This underclass can be
measured by studying the escalating rates of community violence,
economic isolation, poverty, and substance abuse.
In Chicago, "father absence has hit African American communities
across America with the force of 100 hurricane Katrinas," said Phillip
Jackson, executive director of the Chicago-based Black Star Project,
which helps children in mainly minority schools. "It is literally
decimating our communities and we have no adequate response to it."
Jackson said, “The Black Star Project engages in projects that make
Black men better fathers, better husbands and better community
leaders. While we run some of the best mentoring programs in the
country, the best mentors for Black boys are their fathers, uncles and
grandfathers.
In June of 2008, the National Fatherhood Initiative released Billion
Dollar Man, a report which quantified the economic impact of father
absence on the Federal government. The report estimated that 99.8
billion dollars is spent on federally funded programs that focus on
anti-poverty, child support enforcement, and other programs related to
father absence.
What Is Being Done
The attention generated by the reports and observations mentioned
above has resulted in an aggressive and more public effort to examine,
explore, and engage in the provision of greater support and services
for Black Men - more specifically Black fathers.
In 2009 America inaugurated Barack Obama its first Black President
(who coincidently is a man). His call to action to fathers in general,
and Black fathers specifically, mean governmental support and
leadership from the highest level to address the complete social
annihilation of Black Men. That plight has been ignored for so long.
According to the U.S. Census, approximately 84% of custodial parents
are mothers - 79% of whom are also employed full time. That means that
they, in essence, have two full time jobs. The “Raising Him Alone”
campaign, being undertaken by the Urban Leadership Institute in
Baltimore has begun to address the impact of fatherlessness by
focusing on the stress that attends single mother parenting
situations. In most of the cases, the father is either incarcerated or
absent for some other reason. The campaign was created to better
support single mothers raising male children.
David Miller, Chief Visionary Officer for the Urban Leadership
Institute remarks that, “it is inconceivable to think that we can
continue to raise healthy children if we are unable to reconnect
fathers with their family.” He continues, “While we are engaged in
several projects that encourage male involvement, including a
mentorship programs to help alleviate the tension and stress of not
having enough mentors in our city’s school. More can be done.”
What More Can Be Done?
First, we would like to acknowledge all of the exceptional fathers,
husbands, and other men who have decided to make mentoring a focal
point in their lives.
Mentoring is one of a number of interventions that can support the
alarming number of children and youth who are victims of the “absent
daddy” phenomenon. While many of these children will still always
yearn for a meaningful relationship with their biological dads,
mentoring provides “village dads” to stand in the gap.
Mentoring statistics state that, at a minimum, over 14 million
children could use a one-on-one relationship with a positive mentor.
Although it is clear that the mentorship needs of our nation’s girls
are critical, the biggest cry for mentors comes from single mothers
looking for guidance in their struggles to raise a son to be a man.
These women have themselves been brought up without fathers.
January is National Mentoring Month: a time for highlighting the
positive impact of mentoring as well as shining a light on the growing
need to recruit and retain mentors. From Denzell Washington to General
Collin Powell, people are embracing mentorship as an effective way to
improve the lives of some of our youngest citizens.
We are encouraging responsible men of color particularly, who have
been able to serve their families and communities well, to consider
making the extra commitment to become mentors. The time commitment can
be tailored to individual schedules, and the return on investment can
be priceless. The economic downturn has had an effect on us all,
including agencies tasked with providing mentorship programs for young
boys and girls. The field of responsible fatherhood has also begun to
recognize not only the need to train men to be responsible fathers,
but the relevance of encouraging them to provide the same wisdom,
information, and nurturing to other children in their social circles.
Too many of our children are suffering from a love deficit, 8760 days
(24 days multiplied by 365 days) without the love and affection of
father. We have the power to change this frightening phenomenon! We
believe that spending 10 hours a month with a fatherless child can
dramatically improve the life circumstances of wayward youth. The
truth is that, we clock endless hours in front of the “idiot box,” (my
mother’s phrase to describe the television mindlessly entertained by
sports, music videos and video games while a generation of youth in
our communities across this country are fighting to stay alive.
We are just a few voices – united by our common concern for our young
Black men. We are reciting the need to increase our efforts for the
well being of our children. Please join us as we increase awareness
about the need for mentorship and responsible fatherhood in our
families and communities. The future of our children rests in our
hands!
What YOU can do TODAY
1. Sign up to become a mentor by visiting one of these organizations
online caresmentoring.com or mentoring.org.
2. Encourage your colleagues and friends to consider becoming mentors.
3. Write a check (for any amount) to a local mentoring initiative in
your city.
4. Encourage men to reconnect with their children.
Kenneth Braswell; Executive Director
Fathers Incorporated (www.fathersincorporated.com) & Author of “When
The Tear Won’t Fall & Gentle Warriors”
David Miller; Co-Founder
Urban Leadership Institute (www.urbanyouth.org) & Co-founder of
Raising Him Alone Campaign (www.raisinghimalone.com)
Phillip Jackson; President
Black Star Project (www.blackstarproject.org)
Are you a Hero or a Superhero?
I had a conversation with a friend that led me to think
about my work, life and what I’m up against as I go beyond normal
gestures of kindness to extraordinary acts of blessing. You see; many
of us do the things we do, because we have an anointing or an
intrinsic passion to do right by people. Others do; because it’s
simply what they do or what they’re paid to do?
When I was in elementary school and Jr. High School in
Brooklyn, I had two people in each that just simply did not like me. I
didn’t know why; I had never done anything to them; but for some
reason, I was their chosen person to pick on. So, like all of us, I
could not wait to get into High School, so I could leave both Timothy
and James in my rear view mirror. I made it through High School, but
low and behold I get into the military and there’s Stubblefield;
waiting on me. For some odd reason, all of his comedic material was on
me. It was like he sat up at night coming up with new ways to talk
about me. We never came to blows, because in our culture; you’re
suppose to take a joke. Unless, of course he said something about my
momma; but he never did. Even though we were in the military; at 18;
we were still children. Now, adults are more conniving and sneaky
about how they pick on others through gossip and slander. In fact,
more conscience about how far we will go; because we’re clear about
the line we can’t cross.
Well here I am; today; a grown “big A”, “double S” man, in
a conversation with a friend as she informs me about someone who; for
reasons I can’t phantom, continues to have really nasty things to say
about me. So, being the Christian man I am; I prayed about it. That’s
best; because what Kenny Braswell (circa 2000) would have done; would
have been much different; I haven’t always been saved; and even now;
God is still working on me. Anywho; like always; God answered my pray.
Here’s what he said, “Kenny, every superhero needs an arch enemy.”
Hmmmmmm; I meditated on that and in a way that only God knows how to
help me understand; he said this.
Heroes become heroes through circumstantial occurrence.
“What do you mean by this God?” I said. Example: A guy is standing on
the train platform and somebody falls onto the tracks. He’s clear that
the person needs help; but helping could be dangerous. Even cost him
is own life; but he jumps down; rescues the person; both are safe and
we recognize that he has performed a random act of kindness; above and
beyond his normal call. He’s a hero and heroes are great; we love them
and we need them. But being a hero is NOT his calling. Thus being a
hero defines less about who you are; and more about a random act you
did. In many situations; given the same chance to be a hero; many
would choose not to.
Batman creates a relationship with Gotham City Commissioner
of Police; Superman becomes a reporter for the Daily Planet; Spiderman
is a photographer for the Daily Bugle. Even as a shoeshine boy;
Underdog places himself on a street corner. Martin Luther King Jr.
went to the most racist situations of his time and Jesus went to his
accusers. Superheroes!
Superheroes place themselves in the line of dangerous fire.
They anticipate problems with an eye toward being a part of the
solution. Superheroes don’t wait to be called; they call. They lead,
not follow. We watch fictional superheroes and laugh at what we
perceive to be their ridiculous and impossible ways of solving
problems. Yet I grew up emulating Batman’s preparedness of having the
right spray on his utility belt for any occasion. If he was in the
ocean, he had shark repellant spray; if he was tied up; he had rope
dissolve spray. He was prepared because a superhero was what he was
and heroism was what he did.
Our communities and children need Superheroes in their
lives. Our communities seek people who are willing to stand in the
gaps of poverty, oppression and despair. We need adults, parents,
teachers, social workers and community of faith that will go where
trouble exists and resides. We need superheroes that will not worry
about what people say about their actions, but how others will benefit
from their actions.
Now let’s be clear; there is nothing wrong with being just
a hero. Your humanity should encourage you to respond to need; no
matter how dangerous it may be for you. But we need more superheroes
to position themselves in the line of danger. You ever notice that
when a policeman or firefighter saves a life and the public calls them
heroes; that at the ceremony, they don’t have much to say but; “that’s
what I do.” Heroism is not out of the ordinary for a superhero. They
expect it of themselves to do for people what others won’t.
Where are you
positioned? Is there a friend or family member needing you to stand in
the gap of their need, but you’re on the sidelines having no intention
of helping. Are you a hero or a superhero? Heroes save by chance;
superheroes save by choice. “With great power, comes great
responsibility” – Spiderman’s Uncle Ben…AND…opposition!
What Should You Leave Behind in
‘09?
I imagined that on the December 29th
I would be sitting around waiting for this holiday season to be over
so that I could get some real work done. A lot of the things I said I
would complete this year are still unfinished. So I realized today; I
need more time! Most of us kinda crank along in the year working to
survive, while others are pushing at the bigger picture. I certainly
can look back at times in the year, I could have done things
differently, but for the most part, it is what it is. A month ago I
decided that rather sit around waiting for 2009 to be over, that I
would squeeze everything I could out of what is left in the year; even
if many of the people I needed to accomplish a few things have decided
to sit on the sidelines and wait it out. So, here I am two days before
the 2010 chapter of my life.
It occurred to
me last night after being a guest on “The No More Drama Power Hour,”
with Cassandra Mack and co-guest Deborah Cofer and Michael Reynolds;
that something is missing on my list of “5 Things You Should Know
Before 2010” (http://www.facebook.com/home.php?filter=lf#/note.php?note_id=224087051147&id=
1112962174&ref=mf). On the show we talked a
lot about the need to make sure that we stay true and committed to the
purpose in our lives. . One of the morsels of information you will
hear is how to define or find your purpose. We were also realistic
about the notion of resolutions setting. I, like my Pastor (Christina
Staton) don’t have a great affinity for resolutions. “Be ye
transformed by the renewing of your mind,” which can happen at any
time; not just New Year’s Eve. However I understand that some; as I
was reminded by Sister Cathleen Williams; need the New Year’s
indicator as motivation to renew your commitment to old and new goals.
(Click this link to listen to the archived show:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/cassandra-mack/2009/12/29/no-more-drama-hour-of-power)
So, what am I missing? Well, we talk
a lot about the things we need in order to move forward in our quest
to fulfill our destiny and live up to the purpose in life. We hype
ourselves up in an attempt to take action in the first “work” hour
after the New Year Day celebration is over. (not to harp on a point;
but I must; to make a point. This year New Year’s Day is on Friday;
many won’t get serious about their New Year’s Resolution until Monday
morning; if they think about them at all.) I digress, but make a
suggestion. If you have to make a resolution; here’s one that I
guarantee will work for you if you focus on doing it with SERIOUS
INTENSION over the next two days.
LEAVE THE MESS OF 2009 BEHIND!
BAD HABITS – I will undoubtedly
write “2009” on the date line of the first check I write in 2010. I
know its wrong; sometimes I catch it, sometimes I don’t. I don’t make
the mistake because I choose to; but because it’s a habit. Some habits
are somewhat harmless such as this; ironically regardless of how many
times I’ve done it; the bank still cashes my check. Others habits
come in the form of addictions. These are harder habits to break, but
again; with help; the mentality of it can be left behind; if you do
that, you can then begin to deal with the reality of it.
JOB – This one is not as easy, but
your life should not be relegated to working for someone else’s
pleasure and purpose. I know times are hard and you need your job to
pay the bills. But leave behind that JOB mentality. Walk into 2010
knowing that your true purpose is calling you. Stay focused on doing
what you can to answer it. Following your purpose will get you the
closer to the career you deserve. Trust me; if you do it, one day
you’ll be able to walk into your bosses office and say; “TAKE THIS JOB
AND SHOVE IT, I DON’T WORK HERE ANYMORE.” But make sure before you do,
you got your stuff right and you don’t have to come back
J
GRUDGES – There ain’t nothing worst
than carrying around misery that the person you’re carrying it for;
doesn’t even know you’re carrying it. You mad, can’t sleep at night,
can’t concentrate and stressed out at Sister Jones or Brother White.
Meanwhile, they CHILLIN; sipping Moet and eating steak. Let that go.
Forgive yourself for not forgiving them. In most cases, you don’t even
remember why you mad. Whatever it is, it’s not enough to stand between
you and your happiness.
GOSSIP – They know it’s a lie; we
know it’s a lie; everybody knows it’s a lie, but YOU! What can be more
pathetic than having the joy of your life contingent on transporting
and transferring the misery of others? Flip Wilson said it best in
Uptown Saturday Night; “LOOSE LIPS; SINK SHIPS.” When I
joined my church, we received gifts. One of the gifts was a sermon by
my Pastor Christina called, “The Silence of the Lamb,” where she
talked about the power of the tongue as a destroyer. Be careful about
what you say, when you say it and how. Gossip adds nothing to your own
value; leave it in 09.
PEOPLE – Make your life about
ADDITION; not ADDICTION. If you feel like you can’t live without a
person who is in your life; that is more than likely the person you
should get rid of. People should add value to your life; they should
bring you joy by being in your life; they should not subtract from the
things that allow you to accomplish your purpose. Ladies, I don’t
care how great your man is in bed; or men how great that women can
cook a piece of fried chicken; If the only thing they add to your life
is misery; Wake up on New Year’s Eve and KICK THEIR A@$ TO THE CURB.
O.P.P – OTHER PEOPLE’S PROBLEMS.
Don’t you have enough of your own mess to deal with? If so, why would
you want to go into another year carrying the burdens of others? I
know; some of you will say, sometimes you don’t have a choice. STOP
THE MADNESS…99% of the time those are responsibilities; not problems.
Learn to tell the difference. I’m talking about the carrying of
people’s mess that is a) not of your own doing, and b) will serve you
no benefit if resolved. Leave that mess in 09; along with any other
OPP issues you might have (if your mind is talking to you in that kind
of “OPP” way!).
You get the gist. Make a list and
take inventory of the things you need to leave behind in 2009. Then
burn them into your mind as lessons to learn from in the future.
Lastly, on New Years Eve, disposed of it how you see fit. Burn, flush,
bury, throw, stomp on, drown, even eat it; do anything so that they
can’t come back as a reminder or keep you from a WIN in 2010.
Is the Little Girl in You Still Missing Daddy’s Love?
What Should You Know about the Search?
By Kenneth
Braswell
This is a
piece that I’ve been struggling to write for quite a while. It started
some time ago when I wrote a piece that included an experience that I
had where a little girl who was a complete stranger asked me “Are you
my daddy?” In my profession I spend a great deal of my time trying to
figure out the affect of fatherlessness on boys and men. It’s a
comfortable, yet complex and difficult place to start because I am a
man. In my continuing quest to reexamine my own life (as documented in
my recent book, “When The Tear Won’t Fall”) I am still
not at the point where I have made full sense of the impact of my own
fatherlessness and the hole in my sole that resulted from his
absence. Yet the 3 year long exercise of writing my book provided me
(and may provide you if you read it) with the opportunity to observe
intimate and quite painful aspects of that reality. The impacts of
fatherlessness are quite tangible from a statistical perspective, but
it’s the emotional piece that eludes our understanding and acceptance.
I spent this
weekend (like many others) doing a fair amount of work, and squeezing
my family in where I could throughout the process. It’s an ironic
juggling feat, given what I know about fathers who are there, but
aren’t there. The result of that realization is that I’ve become
very methodical and deliberate about my fathering, despite my
obsessive desire to provide more for my family than I had myself.
With the
exception of my 7 month old son and 2 year old nephew, my environment
is predominantly one of female family and friends who function within
the paradigm of fatherlessness. This reality often evades me, but
finds a way surface at moments when I least expect it. Two cases come
to mind. Yesterday as I sat on a panel entitled “Why Men Fear Love and
Commitment,” I looked out into the audience and realized that the room
was full of women eager to know the very complex answer to a seemingly
simple question. However, it was a different question that speaks to
my point. That question was “Do Women Fear Love and Commitment?” That
question provided me with the platform to highlight the difficulty
that I suspect that women must have in wrapping their minds around the
concepts of love and commitment. This, because the first man, their
father, whose responsibility it was to love and commit to them
abandoned, hurt, and/ or neglect them. As I spoke about it, the room
got quiet and I couldn’t help but notice the tears that had begun to
fall. It struck me, at that moment, that this work of exploring the
impact of fatherlessness includes so many areas that need to be
addressed, including the effects on girls and women. It was also in
that moment that I was taken back to an earlier time in the day as I
sat on the bench next to my oldest daughter, watching my
grand-daughter play softball. I couldn’t help but think about the
continuum of life and wonder, “where does that impact stop for our
children?”
I saw the
heart of little girls sitting within the bodies of grown women
yesterday. It was painful because I also saw the hole it their souls
that resembled the identical one that I have. I felt like, if I could
have jumped in and filled it all at once, I would have. But I know
that it will take time. I knew it and I am sure that each of those
women knows it. That gift of enlightenment created a desire to
eliminate every hole that has been created by a father who didn’t know
that he was creating a frozen need that could never be filled in his
child. But since I can’t, I want to share with you three suggestions
that might help people begin to resolve the pain of wanting, yet not
being able to know, how to maximize their functioning even in the face
of past circumstances…and how not to perpetuate the dysfunction in an
intergenerational way.
-
Take
Time for Self-Discovery.
The best thing that I ever did was write my book. It allowed me to
see where I had taken the wrong road, and how things had affected my
ability to make sound decisions regarding my manhood and fatherhood.
Everybody won’t write their life’s story, but everyone can be
introspective about their life. It can be a painful journey
sometimes; however the discovery can be well worth the trip. I am
still unlocking agonizing compartments of my life, even after
writing 258 pages about it. As a result, I’m better able to figure
some things out and, at the end of the day, I’m sure that I’m a
better person for it and so will you be. You’re the mothers and
fathers of our children. We need you healthy and sane.
-
Understand the concept of Arrested Development.
The two biggest benefits that the traditional courtship of men and
women provide are guidance and preparation. Cultural rites of
passage ensure that adults participate in the transitioning of girls
to women and boys to men. Somehow we’ve lost this critical aspect of
dating and marriage. In the craziness of it all, our girls and boys
have mistaken having sex as the ultimate and legitimizing “rite” of
passage into adulthood. The problem is that, people who look to us
physically like adult men and women are, in reality, still boys and
girls emotionally. For many, their arrested societal development
ill-equips them to function in successful relationships. Yet, we
continue to have children within these dysfunctional states. Using
an agricultural metaphor, you can’t receive full nourishment from
crops that aren’t ripe. So asks
the critical questions or design a test that works for you. My uncle
used to tell me, you could tell the ripeness of a watermelon by the
sound it makes when you pluck it. Now, I wouldn’t suggest you pluck
him, but I do suggest that you find a way to see what’s on the
inside, before you fall in love with the things on the outside.
-
The Real
Cure Attacks the Sickness; not just the Symptoms.
Fatherlessness starts from many places: divorce, separation, broken
homes, death, neglect and hardship. These are all core places that
we can start from in addressing the myriad issues that
fatherlessness causes. The symptoms look like teen pregnancy, gang
involvement, multiple partner births, domestic violence,
incarceration; etc., and have become the focus of work in the field
of Responsible Fatherhood because multiple stressors involved with
the underlying sickness of fatherlessness. As a result we are
failing to stop the continuing pain of fatherlessness because we
haven’t done enough work in identifying its true origin. Women who
look for love from men, who for the most part don’t know how to
return it, do so primarily to alleviate the impact of the many
symptoms - in part because the sickness is too difficult to
reconcile. Take a close look at the man that you choose, and make
sure that he represents the best model of a responsible man, before
you decide to partner with him in bringing another child into this
world. If you do, and if he does, that can be the beginning of
breaking the cycle of fatherlessness.
If you are a
woman who struggles with understanding the man you love or the ones
desire to love, I encourage you to purchase my book, “When The Tear
Won’t Fall,” One man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggles of
Manhood and Fatherhood. I don’t have all the answers, but the book
lays an excellent foundation for exploring a man’s mind. I promise
that the book will be a healing and a blessing to what you don’t know
about the hidden story in all of us. For more information and to
purchase, go to
Kenneth Braswell - Products
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